End on 2n Batx. (progress and competence)

Comparations, an evolution, changes... I've a lot to talk about my improvement between my first writing and this last post. When I see my firsts writings I can see some grammar faults and words that don't fit on the phrase, if I said that now I don't do that I'd lie, but I think that now I don't need to think so much in how to write. Where I think I haven't improved so much is in my oral presentations, when I compare my first one and my last one I still seeing an insecure boy that finds so many difficulties choosing what he wants to say, I still seeing so many wrong formulated phrases and words that don't fit. I still can seeing some words that I want to articulate but they just go out from me as strange sounds. But I'm sure that I can improve them, I just have to find the way to make them entertaining for me and for the audience, that it's something that I hadn't found.
If I had to talk about my writings... I have to tell that in all of them I've passed more time thinking in what would I tell and how to tell it that writing that. I've always wanted to express something important, to make the reader think about what I say. I wouldn't like to choose a "best post" because I have strained the same in all of them. I could say that my lasts posts, those where I talked about individuality (http://the-black-tie.blogspot.com/2011/05/dread.html) and those where I talked about a "line" (http://the-black-tie.blogspot.com/2011/04/sleep-and-dont-wake-up.html) (I think that these've been the most metaphorical posts that I've written) are interesting, but I wouldn't like to despise my firsts posts where I talked about justice, god, human relations, etc.
I used to talk about psychollogy because it's what has become the most interesting (and important) "subject" that I've ever studied. I don't like to say that I study psychollogy, I read it and it simply joins in my mind. I used to talk about philosophy, I think that the most of my writings are about philosophycal themes (maybe all of them). If you knew me in real life you'd see that I'm the same person that who writes this blog. I love to talk about what I think (and write, consecutivily) and I pretend to look like the person that I use to describe. I think that I want that others see in me the characteristics that I use to promote in my writings, and if they don't, it doesn't matter me anything, because I know that I'm doing what I want and I'm being like I am.
I really don't want to finish this blog, it has given to me so many memories. When I see some writings like "what do I want?" (http://the-black-tie.blogspot.com/2009/11/what-do-i-want.html) or maybe "Best friend" (http://the-black-tie.blogspot.com/2009/11/best-friend.html) I remember a time where I were disgusted for some things that now I wish to live them again. I've seen that I can yearn a moment that when I lived it I wanted to finish immediately. For example, at the moment that I writed "what do I want?" I felt so insecure with myself and really lost. I can't say that it has changed, but I would wish to return to that moment because then I didn't have the problems that I have now.
My future... If you look at my blog, there aren't any post (or I think it...) where I talk about my future. I hate to talk and to make hopes about it. I've seen that when I have hopes and I'm happy with something, it use to finish without my convictions. But I have to say that this blog has helped my more than any exam or english class (sorry, teachers) that I've done. I think that just one post has gived me more experience and more knowledge of english than one or two english classes. I think that for this link that I've found between my mind and english I feel bad when I see a finish in this blog. And for this reason I won't put any image with a farewell, or with a "game over" etc. I'm not even say goodbye. Writing posts, looking for the correct words, erase phrases that don't fit with my form of thinking, avoid themes that don't give something important to think... I've been 2 years doing it constantly without any obligation feeling. I know that I've always had my teachers telling me how many posts have I to write, or telling me my faults and virtues, but it doesn't matter so much in me, I would absolutely prefer to talk with them about what I've writed, to know what have they to say about my thoughts and to know if I've changed their way to see something.
I know that I've done some mistakes (in this post, for example, I should have written that 4 hours ago and divided in 2 posts), that I could have offend someone or that I could has been strange for some persons, but it's who I am and as I said in some of my posts, I love the individuality and rarety. I love to see how people fails and tries to improvise because I see these people like humans, when I see someone that use to be good, that do what they know best and don't do other things I question myself if they are humans or robots programmed to do just some things. Human is to be wrong, to accept it, to improve, to fail again, to sadden, to be glad, to see lies, to live lies, to tell lies, to change lies...
I have to finish it, but now I'm just finishing this post. I don't know if I will continue this blog (I know that lines ago I told something different), selectivitat and summer are so early. I don't want to thing about them, but I just want to know that they'll come. It's sufficient to depress me and to make me happy. I use to live with this first feeling, because I just see lies, liers that don't want to understand other ways of thinking, but at some moments I accept and live a lie and I'm happy, temporarily.
Well, this post has ended.

Can you feel that?

That feeling that invades yourself and forces you to question not what are you doing, but what aren't you doing that. I'm not talking about that typical feeling that sometimes are seen in TV where the protagonist feels sad and question himself why are he doing whatelse and where does he wants to do with his life, I'm talking about a mental impotence that substracts your energy and your feels like to do funny things. Time ago one could stay whenever he wants doing what entertains him, but now one just can forces himself to do that, and when he's doing that he gets tired immediately. Now one just wants to sleep and to wait for... to what? It's a feeling that don't make you question yourself what'll you do, it makes you to question why do you want a "will" and what's really important. It's so hard to avoid this feeling when it enters to our mind because it invades all yourself and I think that just a naive could avoid that.

It could be because these exams days or maybe for other things (or for both), but now I use to feel this feeling very often.

Dread

As I've said, dread is the feeling that alerts us about the posterior fault feeling that we'll suffer after doing something "wrong". In previous posts I've already talked about what'd happen if there weren't culture and repressions (we'd live as animals and there'll just live the strongest, but even him will live with the terror of the human's intelligence) but where the culture wants to send us and why?
I think that a good human example of a civilized man it's the one that get good marks, went to a good university, worked to help other people and to "advance socially", the one that's never done a bad thing and has never been punished, that person that respects people and never do destructives critiques etc. Even if that man exists, pretends that he were an example to follow will convert society in a military school, where everyone walks at the same time and in the same way, where if there's a person that thinks different he'll be seen as an "conscience's objector" and there'd be ranges and a lot of elitism.
I'm sure that if we were like this "culturally perfect man" we'll advance a lot in science and in "humanism", but wouldn't be strange that in the cities where these "perfect people" live there were a few mental hospitals where there'd be the people that in our society are just "strange"? That people that are different and loves their differences, those who hates the universalization of a way of thinking and even those that wear different clothes will have to live in mental hospitals just because they aren't normal, and then they can influence and damage the normal people (the perfect people).
Fortunately, people that there'd be in mental hospitals are, in our society, just strange people that it's better to don't be with them.

Fault

Yesterday I read a text from a blog (http://rincon-psicologia.blogspot.com/2011/05/el-sentimiento-de-culpa-entenderlo-para.html) about one of (in my opinion) the culture's creators: the fault.
When we aren't able to liberate our agressiveness because the possible reprisals, we are forced to internalize this and later this impossibility and angry inside us will express himself with the fault sentiment. A non satisfied pleassure will always affects us, and if there weren't culture we could do everything to satisfy that (when I say everything I mean to kill, steal, force other persons, etc.) but just because we have it we feel "angry" with ourselves because we wished something that we could not get. And this fail will influence us to don't try it again because it could happen the same or something worse.
But there are another feeling that I think that it's one of the most important creators of culture, the dread. That feeling that influences you to don't do something that will cause you a fault feeling after doing it. Because of this feeling people works to get money, buy food, seduces other people and insults when they feel angry. I don't know if it's innate, but it carries good things (to make us more civilized) and bad things (that desnaturalizes us).

Suppressed comments

I've verified that when one tries to demostrate his knowledge or abilities with a group of people they use to attend, but there are always a "better" person that'll show his superiority. It's seen everywhere and not just about knowledge, it's natural to get jealousies of any person that can do superior acts than you, and just our repression will make us sad with ourselves if we feel jealousies. I mean, when it's seen a really sick patient in a hospital with his boyfriend/girlfriend loving him/her as he/she never do it, it's natural to get jealousies of that love, to want to get that love... but our repression will avoid us to express that feelings because people's comments. You'll be seen as an egoist and egocentric person, just to express what you feel.

Because of that repression, we see some comments as "really bad and egoist comments" when they're just an expression of our feelings. Moreover, I feel that these comments are the best to express our strong feelings because they've won this social repression and have demostrated our human site.
Be wrong, because then you'll see yourself as you really are.